undisclosed feelings

prelude:narrow path in my messed up dreams

2007-11-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

I opened up my eyes , looked straight to sun , shelter my eyelids.
Couldn't resist the green feeling of grass.I've touched the grass , smelled it and i blacked out , again.

I opened up my eyes , looked straight to sun , shelter my eyelids.
couldn't resist the portentous orange sunshine and saw the smile of sun.I answered back.He warmed up my skin , time by time , wind by wind , more and more..
I stand.I looked right , through snow-capped mountains.I feel spinning , deep in my head.I feel cold on my upbody.
I feel transition..

I realize now , that i do not remember anything.Just few things; I remember Freud , taste of coffee , secure sensation of my celtic-colored socks and a blondie.
I walk..
I walk through the skinny narrow paths of shiny villages.
I've collected a rock , a wooden El Diego Armando statue , a pair of shoes and a reversed turtle. Spared them in my pockets; two to left , two to right.
I'm starting to feel curious; it's the curiosity of my past.I take no history.I know no home , perceive no tone nor recall any smell belongs a being same as me.

i feel emptiness , colorlessness , tastelessnes and all other nesses makes me what i am.

chapter one: what i see is mine so i could put them in my dreambox

2007-11-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

I'd been feeling the reliable sense of the beginning of my journey.I was smiling.
I looked my all around.All i could see were the green grass , one sheep-shepherd and two human-lambs.The sky was not really painted , so nobody could see everything they had wanted.I couldn't see what they see and they couldn't see what i see.I smiled.

The sun seemed woken up , i could barely see him.
I waved my hands to sun as a good-morning and he waved me back.He seemed happier , he wasn't crying today , i could easily notice his weak smile.I smiled back.

I met a gentle turtle and a kind rabbit.Greeted them.Turtle seemed so lonely , i could fairly see his colorless green spots on his skin.He was moaning.I remembered the turtle i took eventually.I took her from my pocket and gave to the gentle turtle.He smiled.He smiled.He smiled a lot.Now i realize his age , he was truthly old.All his spots gone away , flied to the wonderland to send his messages to all dreamless , all aimless.I smiled again.

I was tired.My legs were thinner than they were 3 hours ago.And my body was thicker.I fell down , felt the grass and sat.I'd decided to reshape my human body.

***

I opened up my eyes , looked straight to sun.There were no sun.Everywhere was just green because of the grass.Grass have its own color and he never really wanted help from the dishonest sun.
Everything was screaming but everywhere was silent.But i was sure that somebody was crying.At least a body.

I started to run to the direction where sounds were coming from.

I've seen a little girl.She was little but also huge.She was crying but there were no tears.She wasn't looking at me.I told him i was a stranger to this world so that i can't hurt her.She didn't answer.We shut up.I looked at her , she didn't look at me.It lasted.I'd sit and sleep but i couldn't because of the voices.Voices were still so loud and so unclear.If i could identify the problems , i'd talk with all of them , each.I'd write their recipes and send them to the silent city of the uncertainity.

I remembered my pair of shoes standing in my pocket.

I pulled them and offered to the poor little girl.Suddenly she raised her head.She took them , quickly inserted her legs and turned to me.She look at me for a while and said.."Thank you."..
Then she shrinked.She was so little.Little little.I hold her from her armpits and lifted.I asked her if i'd wanted to put her in my backpack and take her with me.She shaked her head.It was a yes.
Finally she smiled.I smiled with all my heart.

We started walking..

***

I suddenly stopped.

Memories..

Visions passing through.a blondie , a blondie , a blondie , a blondie , a blondie , a blondie..

She touches my skin , i feel her. I feel her with all my body.
a tear leaked; began from my deepless eyes , ended at my weightless heart.I died.

chapter two: i hate the evil inside me; inside me , you exist that i love most

2007-01-01T13:01:00.000-08:00

...

I wake up.

...

I wake up in a bloody bath.My hands are full of blood.Blood bleed red.

I've never fainted before in my whole life.

Did i die?

Is this death?

.........

I open the door.

I am naked.

I couldn't find my trousers.It was miserable.I don't have any pockets.

I am at a stake.

It has an endless deepness.I scare hell of it.Bloody hell.Blood.Bloo..

...

It was my first try to faint and i couldn't.I start walking.

I reach the top of the top of the peak that has the endless stake.I close my eyes and try to hold my breath.I realise.I realise it now..that i can't breathe and i live.

It is death.

isn't it unfair dying if you do not know when you born?..

it is.

...

I opened up my eyes again.

What did happen? Did i pass the stake? Is it another death?

It's non-of-my-business.I see a box office.I run , run , run.. I hit the glass and force the man wake up. Man wake up. He does have an eye. The other one is filled with a black tulle , like pirates have.

He is much more bigger than me.He bends and looks at me very carefully.We don't talk.

He stand up again and looked uncomfortable.

He asked; "Where the hell have you appear from?"

I could only say: "I don't know."

I don't really know..

He looked disinterested now.He turned back , made some quick hand moves and turned back to me again.He now asked: "Do you want a one way ticket or two?"

I didn't understand.He understood that i didn't understand.

He repeated:

"Will you go back to live?"

i am sure now..

I bought a one way ticket.It is.

...

I come to woods.There is a rope standing in front of me and next to the rope there was a label.On the label it is written: "For Gepetto , Wear This".

Am i that Gepetto?

Label has an arrow shows me the clothes.Are all these arrangements for me? I am glad that i finally find something to wear.There is a tshirt and a trousers.I am much more happier to find a trousers.I like trousers i remember.

Somebody shouted at me: "Can't you just accept it?"

"Must you question everything?"

I looked back and saw nothing.He shouted again.

"They questioned me.My existence.They had to know if i was there or not."

.......................

It was coming from above so i looked up above to moon.It was crescent and a man hanging from the corner of the moon.He has no flesh.He is a skeleton wears a nice suit and a nice cap.

I asked: "Who did?"

"Everyone!"

"Look at that. Just Look at it!.. My beautiful moon.Nothing left but a destitute crumbling crescent!.."

..........

I asked if someone blew it up.He replied:

"The whole thing frankly depressed me.So much in fact to the point of me killing myself."

I said he doesn't look dead.

"I died once and now trying to do it again is proving difficult."

"Have you heard that the dead can die?"

...